I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I deserve this hangover.
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