I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
