I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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