Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
