fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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