You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
