i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
