I just made out with a guy for $7.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
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