OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
two words: eviction party
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
