mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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