I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
