i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize