Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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