Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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