what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
