So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
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hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
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Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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