I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
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sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
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He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
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