I faked an abortion last night.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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