You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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