i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
