She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
