it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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