I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
