When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
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If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
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I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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