I heard we made out
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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