when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
