saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
