I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
