hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
