my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Less talking, more tequila
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We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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