She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I came so hard my ears popped.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
