Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
