if you like me you must not know who I am
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
