I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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