I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
