guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We had sex on a dog bed..
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
