i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Did we literally take a cab across the street
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
