She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
