I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
the day after is always just damage control
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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