Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
