I think I died a long time ago.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
