sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
