My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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