Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.