mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
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I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
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I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.