i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.