i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
