I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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