Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
