i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
