dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
