Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Randomize