I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
