how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
