I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
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