I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
