Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
